HAPPY PORNOWEEN!

Today we mourn the death of the Castro's annual Halloween street party and, subsequently, the death of the gayborhood. While all of the fags in SUVs with white picket fences line up the police on speed dial to prevent everybody in town from having fun, we recommend staying inside with some of your favorite scary porn, because going out and looking at guys less hot than these in the same outfits just doesn't sound as appealing somehow. Hit the jump for our Top 5 Halloween recommendations!

1. Falcon's Heaven To Hell
Good versus evil, paradise lost, and enough angel wings, devil horns, and tribal tattoos to bring back memories of Castro holidays' past, without actually having to relive that time you got arrested while dressed as Bai Ling and had to spend the night in the city drunk tank with a terrifying frat boy in a football jersey and Raiders facepaint. Although that was kinda hot, too.

Bonus Points: Nobody gives a Satanic blowjob like the creepy and gorgeous Dean Monroe.

2. Titan Media's Cirque Noir
With names like "Rimjob the Klown" and "Man with a Pussy" this freakshow of a title will scare any old skeptic who thinks they're too mature for a good old-fashioned fright on All Hallow's Eve. While there aren't any real "Boo!" jerk-you-out-of-your-skin moments, those piercings, tattoos, forked tongues, and goofy circus tricks are enough to make any self-respecting homosexual scream in horror while still somehow getting hard.

Bonus Points: Remember Spencer Quest? Damn, he was hot!

3. Randyman Productions' Jason Jacks Off On Halloween
Jason is kind of the most macho and jocky serial killer in horror movie franchise-entertainment. Did you ever wonder what he looked like behind that hockey mask and if his wielding of a chainsaw was simply a predictable overcompensation for his lack of a different tool below the belt? Well fuck you then! Jason is hot, hung, and hard for your information, and you can stay home and watch him jack off and play-torture some guy named Dean in this porno with a budget to make the B-movie-phile in you grin like a jack-o-lantern.

Bonus Points: Um, it's called Jason Jerks Off On Halloween. What more do you want from us?

4. Dark Alley Media's Mutiny: Shipmates' Revenge
Our sailor fantasies have always been a bit on the Gaultier side, but this dark tale that marked the debut of the now infamously transgressive Dark Alley Media puts those sailor costumes into a much grimmer context. With a story that revolves around a malicious and sinister captain who tortures and barks orders at his crew, you'll get the type of cringe that comes with the most gruesome SAW movies and enough industrial ship scenes to make you realize that porn sets are more dynamic than any run-of-the-mill neighborhood haunted house.

Bonus Points: Watching these nautical studs fuck in their one-piece jumpsuits is so hot, it'll leave you howling at the moon.

5. Maxxxsize.com's Suckin' Huge Freakin' Monster Cocks
Certain monsters might make you scream. Take, for example, the zombies of 28 Days Later, Michael Myers in Halloween, or Britney Spears getting out of the back seat of a limousine. Our favorite monsters, however, are the ones who make us open up the widest. This may not be the monster-cock title you would expect us to pull (Maxxxsize isn't exactly a household name, although it is in ours) but the title, font, and sheer comic-book wonder of this ode to those monsters that go bump and grind in the night secured it a spot on our Top-5 list for the season.

Bonus Points: Blowjobs are less calories than a Tootsie Roll Pop laced with GHB that you're sure to pick up when you're trick-or-treating on Polk Street.