Judge a Porn by its Cover!

They say that you should never judge a book by its cover. They're totally wrong.

Bad marketing is always something that should be judged, harshly in my opinion, while awesome covers deserve unmitigated praise, attention, and preference. "Why buy something that will look ugly on your bookshelf?" I always say, "I don't want to surround myself with hideous literature." The same is true in gay porn packaging. With the wealth of outstanding imagery that pornographers have to design graphics around, it's a marvel that some studios pump out nothing but ugly video boxes. Sifting through the newest additions to NakedSword 4.0, I couldn't help but be amused by some of the box covers that I came across and impressed by their sheer artistic value.

After the jump, check out some of the prettiest pornos that NS 4.0 has to offer, and stay tuned for the DON'TS coming very soon.

(Click on the box covers to see their corresponding back covers.)

Handwerker und Schwanzwerker by West Hollywood Studio.
Not only does this cover incorporate an acid-paintshop backdrop that drags me into an adolescent whirlwind of drugs and awesome times, but the title has a Scandinavian font that reminds me of Disneyland! Nothing helps you pretend to be in an eastern European country better than some cute fontplay. What does that title even mean? Who cares! It sounds so cool that I have to be involved in it. Check out that guy's outfit, with the overalls! Do I know him? It looks like he dug through my closet and pulled out my favorite ensemble that I haven't even bought yet. If you look at the back cover, he's using that same overall strap to STRANGLE somebody. I think I found a new favorite studio (and a new boyfriend).

What Men Want by Hollywood Sales.
I love whispering secrets to people in their ears. Not only is it a way to make people really angry at parties (which is always funny), but it's also a fantastic way to flirt with someone! Here, someone with an enormous head is telling a secret to a crouching, naked guy that looks kind of like Ben Stiller. I think it has something to do with SEX for some reason. WHY MIGHT THAT BE? It all feels so subliminal!

TRADE OFF by All Worlds Video.
Blinds were really big in the 80s, but if you look around you'll realize that they really haven't gone anywhere. You might call this cover kitschy, but I prefer to think of it as REALISTIC. Look at Ryan Idol! Isn't he provocative? That's because with open blinds, you can see something exactly as if they weren't there except the blinds are in the way. You get the style of blinds and the exposure of no-blinds all in one brilliant cover shoot! Look at the back cover. That boy is so excited by this premise that he's just GOT to record it on his camcorder. Smart thinking.

European Holiday by Falcon International.
Okay, we get it. You have the BEST LIFE EVER. You're giving us thumbs up, GETTING A BLOWJOB, and wearing a shirt above your tan six-pack that says "I'D DO ME". You're probably really good at surfing and going to an awesome party later in gorgeous summer weather where everything is paid for and you have a huge dick that always stays hard. Okay? WE GET IT. If this guy could high-five you through the box cover I'd bet you he'd totally totally do it.

Kinky Stuff by Al Parker Productions.
Al Parker fucking rules.

COME CRAZY by Kosmos Production.
This naked guy with his white towel does no justice to some of the amazing outfits put together for the back cover. Sex sells, though, however cool a crop top and acid wash jeans might be. I can tell from the swirly symbols that I'm in for something WILD 'N' CRAZY with this movie, and all the blue and yellow puts me into a really sporty mood! See, it isn't that difficult! I bet this cover took the graphic designers 10 minutes and they spent the rest of the afternoon smoking pot, listening to Guided By Voices, and talking about how awesome their job is.

S.F. Packing Co. by Le Salon.
This photo looks like James Bidgood bent over to pull up his tights during a costume switch and Andy Warhol snapped a photo when he wasn't looking. Signed, sealed, ready, PRINT! Oh, and the audio is in [[[[SEXSURROUND]]]] so it's technologically up to date as well.

HARD HAT by Le Salon.
Take a break from that construction job, Tyrone! Make some real use of that hammer by pulling down your jock strap with it. If you check out the back cover (click it) then you'll get a really cool day-glo version of the simple, understated, and flawless jacket design. The warning at the bottom about prohibiting sale to minors really makes it seem dangerous and exclusive. I wish I could be 12 again and smuggle this out of a dirty bodega with a pack of cigarettes and impress all my friends after little league practice. Except if that happened they'd probably ask why it's GAY porn, and then they'd beat me up.

Posted by thesword at August 1, 2007 10:36 AM